What Happened To Your Girl?

You look at her and see her new found liberation as negative, too dangerous for her own good.
She dances until the sun comes up and speaks her mind like a man would.
You don’t condone the way she is constantly within the perimeter of the male gaze.
All these men she is friends with, surely it can only be a sexual craze? 

What happened to your girl? 

Where has all that bleached hair gone? She used to be such a stunner. 
Now she has cut it all off and left it her natural colour.
She wears short skirts, fishnets and likes weird atmospheric art.
She listens to aggressive music that fills her head with imagery and enhances what she feels in her heart. 

What happened to your girl?

She has no shame in showing parts of her body to represent beauty or purely for a acomfort reason. 
It’s hard for you to find the strength to give her any support and cohesion. 
She is now one of those girls on instagram memes you don’t want to wifey.
Although she never asked anyone to marry her in the first place matey.

What happened to your girl?

Books have taken over the desk where there used to be her make up brushes. 
She still wears that vulgar red lipstick though as she discusses, how beautiful the world is, but how much destruction humans have caused.
She is now convinced she can make a difference but for you, this is now one of her biggest flaws.

What happened to your girl?

I’m sorry you lost her. The problem is though, she never was your girl. She belongs to herself. 
That girl would rather live fast and breathe in the freedom she has always dreamt of.

The Pavement

Every morning I walk on the lines of the pavement. Walking in a line but all within a box. A box that leads to nothing. Im useless at geometry; always hated it at school. Yet, among all the mess in my head I crave a sense of routine. An octagon, maybe a triangle. Just something with little lines that lead back and forth you know? That’s basically everything I hate, or that I think I do because I actually think it’s everything I dream of. This doesn’t make any sense. Yet it feels so obvious to me. There is a part of me that’s missing, and that’s you, you and you. There is that thing that people often say. ‘There is a part of me that will always love you.’ Or something like that. Well it’s true and I can’t keep giving parts away. When I cry for you, I cry for him too.  As the years go by my tears get more sour, the sense of loss gets stronger and the agonising truth that I have lost all of you is deeper than ever. I have always struggled to let go, whether it be my mums hand in the supermarket as a toddler or letting go of you, you and you. Only took me twenty two years to realise… but I cant let go of things, the bad just as much as the good.  It sticks with me , just like those lines on the pavement. I just can’t get them out of my head. The ones I walk on every day when I go to work. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth… At least when I go back and forth I get to go back. Because with you, you and you once I walked away there was no going back. Now there is you. You are like those lines, you represent security and routine. You fit in my life exactly like those lines fit on the pavement. You make me happy. Yet, late at night when I’m on my own and you’re not there I think of them… Does loving all of you make my love untrue? Corrupt? False? Fabricated? Because it really does feel so real.

Harboured

I have always gone from A to B without looking around me.
Life has been like running on a treadmill a few km too fast.
Tunnel visioned, blinkers on, sprinting until my head goes fuzzy.
Tonight, I finally have the time to contemplate the sunset and think about my past.
As a child I always believed that when you died you became a cloud.
Lying on the grass watching the sky that belief crossed my mind again.
I see a rabbit, a dinosaur and a little boy with his ice cream looking so proud!
Oh there goes an aeroplane!
For a moment my mind went astray.
Drink? Drugs? I look around, I don’t have any nor do I need any today.
Just my mind and I endeavouring to find positivity in sadness. It seems like the only way to cope with all this madness.
Tears start to come and I ask myself what’s the matter.
This illness is taking so many precious lives away, yet teaching me how to lead mine better.
 
I look back on how much love I have given and received.
Also, how many people I have disappointed and deceived.
So much time to read, think, create and connect.
Doing things I would never have the time to usually.
I will always be a city girl.
I miss the fast pace of London with it’s dazzling lights.
But I am not entitled to anything.
This has taught me you never know what will happen tomorrow. You never know when everything could suddenly feel so low.
I must appreciate every moment of my life and every person that enters it. Even if my life is fast, busy, hectic, stressful in the future I will occasionally take a few moments to pause, breathe and look around me. Smile.